Ok so after a dreadful weekend emotionally, I’m ready to tackle Week 4. Not with so much gusto and focus in relation to doing everthing perfectly or ‘hell for leather’ I think the saying is…but more with a focus on me. Basically the weekend just gone I had up and down moments, I went a bit over in cals on Fri night and actually really needed more energy etc so had a bit more but I WAS one of those people that has these thoughts of ‘blown it now’ etc. and I just stupidly let go of all the good things I’d done in the past three weeks and ate crap! Sat morning the same, and was feeling sorry for myself with injured hip and actually used that as an excuse as to why I didn’t go out for my ride. Sat arvo was fine, had my sister visit and we went to dinner and movies that night. I ate way over my cals again Sat, but had a nice finish to the day. Sunday was a family day at Melb Marathon and it was great, started with a beautiful fruit salad and muesli and yogurt for breaki, walked the 4k with the family and watched the runners. Got home about 2pm and was home alone, everyone else had gone and then the stupid thoughts came back into my head and I gave up AGAIN! SO stupid but it’s just what happened. I don’t actually want to think or write about it but I do have to. Went to bed before my fiancé came home and just slept and slept.
This morning the alarm went off at usual time and I blurted everything out to him, he made me calm down and not worry so much. He got me back on track and showed me how proud he was that I talked about it, and re-assured me that I’ve been off medication now since August and this is really only the second burst of anxiety/depression I’ve had since then and to stop being so hard on myself. I was still just so angry at myself for overdoing the calories but he gave me a little massage and calmed me down then helped me to see things in a better way.
Off I went to the gym, riding my bike and then did an hour of cardio – not full on but I did burn 600cals. I read my book that I’m going to start reading again it’s called “Fit Body Fit Soul” and I did get a lot out of it when I read it about 9months ago but since then haven’t used it and want to get my mindset back there.
This could end up being a LONG post as I get my thoughts down but I just need to do it. I’ve been an all or nothing person, but this needs to change. I KNOW all the things I need to do, and I’ve done them in the past. When I’ve been feeling my best in the past both mentally and physically is when I’ve been consistently training, when I haven’t put too much pressure on myself with outrageous goals, and when I’ve been relaxed with food but aware of what’s going into my mouth and loving feeling fit and healthy.
So at the moment the pressures that I see as putting on myself are not physical goals like they have been in the past, e.g. my ultra-marathon in May, or half marathon a few years back…instead it is my wedding! I just want to be feeling my best and looking my best for my wedding. I feel like I’ve put a bit TOO much focus on being a certain number weight for my wedding, and I really don’t need to. If I was to get married tomorrow at the weight that I am, I know my dress will look beautiful, I know I will have the best day of my life, I have an AMAZING (understatement) hubby to be, family, friends and nothing really could be better in our lives. The fact is I have 8 weeks to go, ideally I would love to be 65kg and toned in the upper body, at last week’s weigh in I was 71.8kg, so technically that’s 7kg to lose in 8weeks. Yes of course that’s achievable when I have lost 4.7 in not even three weeks. It’s more than achievable…I should be able to do it comfortably. OK so this weekend I MAY have put on a couple of kg’s or gone back to the previous week’s weight of 73kg or even just stayed stable, I’m not sure and will find out Wednesday what the damage was. Either way, I’m just going to get back into the swing of things – and start feeling good about the consistency that I’m getting back in my life. I did (and still may) think about not hopping on the scales this week, and just going straight through to next week. I think if I see an increase I’ll be gutted, if I see the weight has stayed the same I’ll be annoyed, and I really don’t think it’s possible for me to have LOST anything since last Wednesday after the weekend. BUT I know that the following Wed then it is realistic for me to be back down with the weight. Hmmmm I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. Maybe I just need to do it as it’s part of the program and I need to be accountable for the mistakes I’ve made on the weekend. I spose it will be something to look back on and see the impact of such a weekend.
Mentally I feel I need to take more deep breath’s and not be so hard on myself. There is so many good things in my life, I will enjoy them, I will enjoy being fit and healthy and enjoy getting fitter and slimmer through this program!
I know what to do, JFDI!! Mich’s message last night was very timely for me, and I’ll be using it this week. JFDI is not only for me to get out there to train, actually that’s not it at all, it’s to just go through the motions of what is required to get back to the healthy individual that I used to be, stop mucking around with my body forcing stupid food choices in my mouth, stop the mental backlashing and negative thoughts, they are just that – thoughts – and nothing else. I need to do the mindfulness activities again that the psych taught me 12months ago, JFDI!! Get back to the person I want to be, JFDI Narelle!!! I will love it when I do!!
Forget about the weekend, forget about the thoughts, forget about the stupid things I’ve done to my body and just JFDI, get back in shape, don’t think of even doing it any different because I know my body loves it when I’m there and I will thrive!
On a side note – I also want to focus on running again, yesterday at MM2010 was awesome, watching so many of my friends finish the marathon or other events was just amazing, and I’ll be there next year running the marathon as well. Here’s to just getting back into it and JFDI!!!
You've already sorted it out in your head.. JFDI is right. It was a timely video. Also, yes, pace yourself and get out of the 'all or nothing' mindset. These first few weeks you did seem to be going at a frenetic pace. (I was in awe, frankly..) Set yourself a realistic program, and realistic goals, and set yourself up for the rest of your life, not just your wedding! And he's going to marry you no matter how many kilos you lose between now and then! (And he sounds like a dream - you've got yourself a good one there!)
ReplyDeleteSuck it up and weigh in on Wednesday, as per the program - but that doesn't stop you weighing in again on, say, Saturday, after 5 days of being back on track.
Thank you :) I know, it's just hard with the mind battles I have sometimes...xxx
ReplyDelete